I'm going to find some positive way to look at the gig I had yesterday at a nursing home. I was the opener for the two act concert, the one to get the crowd going... I sang lots of songs about love and the various ways of experiencing and living that. I didn't realize until afterwards how heavy was that element in the song choices I had made. But, that is a rich topic and perhaps it made an impression. It was hard to tell. These seniors were listening politely, with few interruptions, save for the staff there dealing loudly with them for undiscerned (by me) reasons. I thought I played well, considering that I had considered dropping my performing act a few weeks back due to lack of interest, my own primarily. Here, at this gig, my interest was the greater, the audiences the lesser, or that is how I perceived it. Playing for audiences who don't do anything in response to the music other than clap at the end of songs kind of unnerves me. Although, I should say that one person called out "pretty" after one song. Another said something complimentary after another. Those were the conscious responses, as I figure them. A couple of people engaged at times in the behavior of people living in their own worlds, with laughter or muttering that seemed to be unrelated to what was going on in the environment. Or, at least, that's how I interpreted them, to keep my composure and performing confidence up. I didn't have the inclination to take those things personally, especially since I feel a bit out of the element because my song material is basically a generation or two after the seniors there. They would have had to have kept up with the times to be familiar with most of my material.
So, the positive way to look at this gig is that I played well and gave my energy to these people who probably don't have to much going on in their lives of interest. I probably brightened their day with my presence and positive intention and harmonious sounds. I am now known by a few more people and through performing, my influence takes on its winding life.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
No Force
I'm amazed at bloggers who for years have basically blogged daily. What prolific outputs! There was a time earlier in this blog when I was doing consistent daily entries, but, in my experience, those type of hyper disciplined things don't last. There ends up being an inner shift and something holds me back. Fortunately, I listen to those kind of promptings and relent and before long I'm back at the game. Better that than forcing myself to continue and ruining the process for a long time or even forever. But is there a way for me to do the daily run for a long time. It would help if I got up early like was doing when I was in the daily habit. Today I'm up early and blogging. it would help if this was part of my purpose in life - people who are living their life purpose generally have boundless energy for what they are doing, or at least they seem to, from what I can see. Of course, people who appear to have boundless energy, I have assumed that they are living their life purpose and that is why they have the energy. I realize this is an assumption and I could be making it up, but something inside me says that when you're living your life purpose you have boundless energy. Of course, saying this from first hand experience would make my knowing surer. I still don't know what my life purpose is, although I have some ideas. The razor like focus on those ideas is what I haven't consciously done. And there is still an element of uncertainty in my conception of what my purpose could be.
This writing is done somewhat often in a free manner. Is it getting better without a conscious dedication to developing my craft. This is all an exercise in spontaneity. Certainly the doing of it over and over must improve the quality of my channel. As I figure it, anyway.
Today is a mellow day at the keyboard. I have some reading to do for a class I go to on Tuesday nights and after I blog I'll do that. But I still have time to write, so I will. I'll bet a lot of bloggers are fulfilling their life purpose by doing their blogs. There's an element of my conceived life purpose in here - to inspire people to live magnificently. It's here in a cursory manner. But it would seem that there is a lot of filler here too. There's a lot of me here, also. I wonder if the focus should be more on "you" - more deliberately seeking to benefit your life? Well, that's not my natural way of expressing, but is there merit in trying to cultivate that here of is what I'm doing the best way to go about it and the benefits will be there naturally without forcing them? As I go through my inner process someone may learn from my ruminations, or not... I don't have to try too hard.
To anyone who is reading this, I wish you well.
This writing is done somewhat often in a free manner. Is it getting better without a conscious dedication to developing my craft. This is all an exercise in spontaneity. Certainly the doing of it over and over must improve the quality of my channel. As I figure it, anyway.
Today is a mellow day at the keyboard. I have some reading to do for a class I go to on Tuesday nights and after I blog I'll do that. But I still have time to write, so I will. I'll bet a lot of bloggers are fulfilling their life purpose by doing their blogs. There's an element of my conceived life purpose in here - to inspire people to live magnificently. It's here in a cursory manner. But it would seem that there is a lot of filler here too. There's a lot of me here, also. I wonder if the focus should be more on "you" - more deliberately seeking to benefit your life? Well, that's not my natural way of expressing, but is there merit in trying to cultivate that here of is what I'm doing the best way to go about it and the benefits will be there naturally without forcing them? As I go through my inner process someone may learn from my ruminations, or not... I don't have to try too hard.
To anyone who is reading this, I wish you well.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
What State of Consciouness is Being Manifested?
I've gotten up right at 5:00 again today. It was easy to do. I must have myself programmed pretty good. In addition to the goal to get up at 5:00 every day for a month, I have instituted a goal to play guitar/voice every day for a month, to establish that habit (of daily practice). See how one thing leads to another? Another sign of momentum in achieving goals is the fact that I placed an order for a digital camera and should have it delivered in a few days. I had that one on hold for a while, with my cart in the store on Apple.com filled with the purchase while I hesitated about whether to g through with it. But I did. I go a Canon PowerShot SD600 for $249. I'm not positive that I really wanted it, but I'll see how it goes owning a camera - I've virtually never used a camera in my life, but it's time to explore that area of life. I've heard that the digital camera simplifies the whole process of taking, organizing and printing pictures, in sync with ones computer and various online photo development services. I have no illusion that this purchase will bring me happiness. That's an inside job and no material item has happiness in it. At best, it can trigger the happiness that is already in me, no more. I'm clear about that.
What I've described above are all doing goals and there's a void where the being goals could be. Who am I being with the waking up early goal and practicing daily goal? Disciplined? What state of consciousness is behind these things that is being manifested in the physical world? That's where I really need to go to work. But it seems elusive. I just have a wave of motivation going - to what end? Or rather, where is it coming from? That is the question.
What I've described above are all doing goals and there's a void where the being goals could be. Who am I being with the waking up early goal and practicing daily goal? Disciplined? What state of consciousness is behind these things that is being manifested in the physical world? That's where I really need to go to work. But it seems elusive. I just have a wave of motivation going - to what end? Or rather, where is it coming from? That is the question.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Efforts are Rewarded
I have committed to getting up at 5:00 AM every day. I will not hit the "snooze" button. I will just get up immediately. Last night I willfully committed to getting up immediately, and clarified the process of hearing the alarm and immediately getting up and today I was raring to immediately respond to the alarm and I did immediately get up. Now I'm catching the beautiful sunrise in the East. I feel a little sleepy, as I naturally would get up around 10:00. But, as I have done before I will commit to getting up at 5:00 every day for a month to set the habit in my being. I credit this latest surge of motivation to reading an article by Steve Pavlina at this URL.
As anyone knows who has been reading my blog regularly, I often talk about how I've gotten up early to write this. There was a time in my life when I would wake up early and work on my music for 13 hours a day, using a carefully constructed schedule to include all the elements I thought were important to me at the time. Doing that for a few months left me exhausted and I gave it up. Oddly, my life didn't change much outside of the musical life contained in the schedule. I once heard Bill Evans, the great jazz pianist, say that even if you diligently work on your music in a closet, success will come to you. Upon thinking about that, that seems absurd, or maybe I am not remembering the quote accurately. I think its the latter. But, success didn't come knocking on my door in that time. I think that kind of stuff depends on what one has created for oneself in their thoughts. I'm not sure I wanted anything else other than to work on my music alone. True I did put myself out there by occasionally playing in the subways. The response from others was "ho hum" and a bit of change. Things are different now - now I play for audiences who applaud and compliment me after I perform. Things have gotten better. Maybe the result of that intense work was a delayed one. Yes, thats how I'll explain that to myself. My efforts are rewarded.
As anyone knows who has been reading my blog regularly, I often talk about how I've gotten up early to write this. There was a time in my life when I would wake up early and work on my music for 13 hours a day, using a carefully constructed schedule to include all the elements I thought were important to me at the time. Doing that for a few months left me exhausted and I gave it up. Oddly, my life didn't change much outside of the musical life contained in the schedule. I once heard Bill Evans, the great jazz pianist, say that even if you diligently work on your music in a closet, success will come to you. Upon thinking about that, that seems absurd, or maybe I am not remembering the quote accurately. I think its the latter. But, success didn't come knocking on my door in that time. I think that kind of stuff depends on what one has created for oneself in their thoughts. I'm not sure I wanted anything else other than to work on my music alone. True I did put myself out there by occasionally playing in the subways. The response from others was "ho hum" and a bit of change. Things are different now - now I play for audiences who applaud and compliment me after I perform. Things have gotten better. Maybe the result of that intense work was a delayed one. Yes, thats how I'll explain that to myself. My efforts are rewarded.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Spit and Fire
The decision whether or not to continue performing is over. I have decided to continue. I have some new ideas about how to make my performances more interesting to me... and there it is in a nutshell. Before, there was a lack of interest in what I was doing. Now, I have ways to go beyond what I had been doing and add new life to my performances.
There, that's enough said about that. I won't try to sum up the wisdom of what I'm learning into a nutshell. You can figure it out if you want. Or, better yet, you can look to your own life for what you are learning through your experiences. I'm not responsible for your learning. And you probably know that already, right? I'm responsible for my lessons and you are responsible for your lessons. I'm going to keep it that way and relieve myself of the burden of mistakenly thinking that what I'm going through needs to be processed for you. Hell, we have different lives! Sure, we are part of humanity and in that way are connected. In ways we are one. But can it be said that we each are learning the same lessons at this time. That can not be said.
Does this mean that I am defaulting on the name for this blog, "Wise Jive"? Well, no the name says it all. All the wisdom here is ultimately "jive." Ultimately it will be supplanted be the wisdom at a higher level of consciousness. So, does that mean I shouldn't bother to cull some wisdom from my experiences. For myself, perhaps, that's about it. I don't know who my readers are so I can't write for them. And if I did, it would ultimately be jive. This is really just for myself.
I have given up the sense that my thoughts are of some special quality and are of value to others in some way. Does that seem humble? I don't know. It could be just another way to express some sort of special thought.
I'm tying myself up in knots here, all to deflect potential criticism. Yet from where does the criticism come from? From myself - from the projected parts of myself that aren't included in my sense of identity. So, release that identity and I'm in the clear and free - free and clear. All aspects are included in the identity.
This is all cleverly manipulating ideas that I have read. Maybe there are no original thoughts. Maybe all the thoughts I think are gotten from outside sources. But the ways they are put together is new. New in this moment. Never before recreated in just this way. In that I trust. Although some of these ideas are others', they have been attracted by me and put together in some brand new way. I know, I already said that. I guess I'm repeating it to explore it again to see how I feel about it. For all I know, this whole paragraph might have come from outside myself, but I doubt it. This is in-the-moment creation. I'm on the leading edge of thought and evolution as I sit poised to write the next word. What will it be? "Pause." That was the next word. More use of others' ideas. Sorry this isn't spit and fire stuff straight from the cauldron of Creation, or is it?
There, that's enough said about that. I won't try to sum up the wisdom of what I'm learning into a nutshell. You can figure it out if you want. Or, better yet, you can look to your own life for what you are learning through your experiences. I'm not responsible for your learning. And you probably know that already, right? I'm responsible for my lessons and you are responsible for your lessons. I'm going to keep it that way and relieve myself of the burden of mistakenly thinking that what I'm going through needs to be processed for you. Hell, we have different lives! Sure, we are part of humanity and in that way are connected. In ways we are one. But can it be said that we each are learning the same lessons at this time. That can not be said.
Does this mean that I am defaulting on the name for this blog, "Wise Jive"? Well, no the name says it all. All the wisdom here is ultimately "jive." Ultimately it will be supplanted be the wisdom at a higher level of consciousness. So, does that mean I shouldn't bother to cull some wisdom from my experiences. For myself, perhaps, that's about it. I don't know who my readers are so I can't write for them. And if I did, it would ultimately be jive. This is really just for myself.
I have given up the sense that my thoughts are of some special quality and are of value to others in some way. Does that seem humble? I don't know. It could be just another way to express some sort of special thought.
I'm tying myself up in knots here, all to deflect potential criticism. Yet from where does the criticism come from? From myself - from the projected parts of myself that aren't included in my sense of identity. So, release that identity and I'm in the clear and free - free and clear. All aspects are included in the identity.
This is all cleverly manipulating ideas that I have read. Maybe there are no original thoughts. Maybe all the thoughts I think are gotten from outside sources. But the ways they are put together is new. New in this moment. Never before recreated in just this way. In that I trust. Although some of these ideas are others', they have been attracted by me and put together in some brand new way. I know, I already said that. I guess I'm repeating it to explore it again to see how I feel about it. For all I know, this whole paragraph might have come from outside myself, but I doubt it. This is in-the-moment creation. I'm on the leading edge of thought and evolution as I sit poised to write the next word. What will it be? "Pause." That was the next word. More use of others' ideas. Sorry this isn't spit and fire stuff straight from the cauldron of Creation, or is it?
Sunday, March 18, 2007
To Perform or Not; Unsolicited Help
I've been in a quandary about whether I will continue to play gigs as a guitarist/singer. It's been dawning on me that I don't get that much out of performing. I get about as much out of it as I do walking down the street, or sitting in my room, or playing guitar for myself in my room. I've been doing it for about 5 1/2 years and I've been there done that. I've been ruminating on this for a while now and last Friday I was on the verge of calling my booking person to tell her that I wouldn't take any more gigs. As this realization settled upon me, I came to see that I might be giving up music totally, which brought about feelings of despair and grief. My internal guidance gave me a vague cue to make the call, but I didn't. That evening I played some guitar and thought my energy was different, I enjoyed the playing and couldn't really believe that it was over. My booking person doesn't answer calls on the weekend so I haven't called her. Now, I'm feeling like I could still play some decent gigs - I don't feel the need to end it. But for a while there things seemed pretty profound as it seemed that I was leaving music making. I heard music with a new clarity and appreciation, knowing that I wasn't a music maker any more, that my mark would no longer be made and their music would stand, untarnished by my presence. Now, is it too late to go back? Now, I could commit to making my contribution to the world with my way of making music. What I've done - has it made a contribution already? What I've done has been done to the best of my ability but it hasn't been what I'm really capable of, I think. Still, there's the nagging sense that I really don't have anything to contribute and I'm fooling myself to think I do. This is where I am in my inner world. It's not a very encouraging place. I could affirm that what I do has value and that I have been making a contribution, but is that necessary... and valid. I could ask people what, if any contribution I have made as a musician. I'll bet that someone who is reading this would say, he's not very excited about what he is doing in music, he must not be very good - I wouldn't want to hear him. (How's that for negative thinking, imagining negative feedback?) He needs to get excited about what he's doing for me to want to listen to him.
As I write this, I am thinking about my voice teacher whose sage advice I have started to feel like I don't want, because it is not from me, it's not my natural instinctive way of music making. I wonder if she feels that what she is doing is not making a contribution. It's perfectly good advice, except for the fact that it's imposed on my from without, which makes it bad advice. She is not making it the point to draw my musical knowing out from me and so, I must assert it and my right to make my own music, not hers. This feels a little peculiar and awkward, but it's the way it's going to be. I'm going to play my way. I'm sure this doesn't do much for the self-esteem of a music teacher who doesn't understand that my music is about me, not her. Maybe her advice is not so sagacious if she doesn't appreciate this. A truly good teacher knows that teaching is about drawing out, not putting in, in my view. I have taken to refraining from giving gratuitous advice to people who haven't asked for it. I'm not going to be officious and people are where they are and their souls and God are guiding them, I don't need to. I may think I have some special knowledge and that they lack it, but they have their own knowing and don't need whatever I, in my self importance, think they need. So, does this mean that one can only give help when asked and otherwise it's better to not intrusively meddle. That's how it seems to me. How many people on this earth could use this? Well, it would seem to me that a lot of people are giving unsolicited advice, but it wouldn't be my place to set them straight, unless they experienced that they were having problems and they wanted help. If I believe in this wisdom, it's for me to use it and live it and be an example of it, but not to preach it.
What bothers me is that some people are so entrenched in giving unsolicited advice, their whole identity is built around the truth that they have something that the others lack. Don't they see that with every bit of this kind of advice that they are hindering the other in their road to self trust and the realization that they have all they need within themselves and they might as well use it rather than depending on someone else. The wise ones imply ignore the external advice, or at most, take the time to consider it and decide for themselves whether it is useful.
Clearly there is some charge in this for me and I have to figure out why that is. Do I wish I was the one giving the unsolicited advice and making myself that "important." It must be a disowned self, or a shadow self that I actually live out unconsciously. What am I doing here, in this blog? For much of it I have been casually inserting ideas in these posts with the intent to to give people who presumably lack it, my "special" wisdom. Obviously a part of me is invested in giving unsolicited help. I hope I actually take my help myself.
So, to tie all this together: am I, as a performer, attempting to give unsolicited help to people who already know and feeling that I'm making no contribution, really? Am I coming on as someone with some "special" music that the audience lacks. That would get nowhere. Ultimately I have to perform for them the "music" they they have but perhaps can't express on their own. Still, this is dependency creating. Ultimately, for their own fulfillment, they have to express it. Maybe they have expressed it and simply enjoy seeing what they value reflected back to them, or maybe in such a case they wouldn't be interested in hearing me; on the other hand, seeing oneself as one knows oneself in another could be satisfying.
As I write this, I am thinking about my voice teacher whose sage advice I have started to feel like I don't want, because it is not from me, it's not my natural instinctive way of music making. I wonder if she feels that what she is doing is not making a contribution. It's perfectly good advice, except for the fact that it's imposed on my from without, which makes it bad advice. She is not making it the point to draw my musical knowing out from me and so, I must assert it and my right to make my own music, not hers. This feels a little peculiar and awkward, but it's the way it's going to be. I'm going to play my way. I'm sure this doesn't do much for the self-esteem of a music teacher who doesn't understand that my music is about me, not her. Maybe her advice is not so sagacious if she doesn't appreciate this. A truly good teacher knows that teaching is about drawing out, not putting in, in my view. I have taken to refraining from giving gratuitous advice to people who haven't asked for it. I'm not going to be officious and people are where they are and their souls and God are guiding them, I don't need to. I may think I have some special knowledge and that they lack it, but they have their own knowing and don't need whatever I, in my self importance, think they need. So, does this mean that one can only give help when asked and otherwise it's better to not intrusively meddle. That's how it seems to me. How many people on this earth could use this? Well, it would seem to me that a lot of people are giving unsolicited advice, but it wouldn't be my place to set them straight, unless they experienced that they were having problems and they wanted help. If I believe in this wisdom, it's for me to use it and live it and be an example of it, but not to preach it.
What bothers me is that some people are so entrenched in giving unsolicited advice, their whole identity is built around the truth that they have something that the others lack. Don't they see that with every bit of this kind of advice that they are hindering the other in their road to self trust and the realization that they have all they need within themselves and they might as well use it rather than depending on someone else. The wise ones imply ignore the external advice, or at most, take the time to consider it and decide for themselves whether it is useful.
Clearly there is some charge in this for me and I have to figure out why that is. Do I wish I was the one giving the unsolicited advice and making myself that "important." It must be a disowned self, or a shadow self that I actually live out unconsciously. What am I doing here, in this blog? For much of it I have been casually inserting ideas in these posts with the intent to to give people who presumably lack it, my "special" wisdom. Obviously a part of me is invested in giving unsolicited help. I hope I actually take my help myself.
So, to tie all this together: am I, as a performer, attempting to give unsolicited help to people who already know and feeling that I'm making no contribution, really? Am I coming on as someone with some "special" music that the audience lacks. That would get nowhere. Ultimately I have to perform for them the "music" they they have but perhaps can't express on their own. Still, this is dependency creating. Ultimately, for their own fulfillment, they have to express it. Maybe they have expressed it and simply enjoy seeing what they value reflected back to them, or maybe in such a case they wouldn't be interested in hearing me; on the other hand, seeing oneself as one knows oneself in another could be satisfying.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Contrasting Fields
It's a cold, blustery day here in Arlington and I've gotten up early like I used to when I was doing my blog regularly and I had the urge to get started again. Not much has changed. I'm still writing about myself with a vengeance (er, well, we've just gotten started, I can't tell for sure, we'll see). That might be a turn off to some people, but I know that some of my favorite writers have written in the first person, like Henry Miller. Actually, I haven't read Henry Miller for at least ten years, but I was into him for a long time, reading his books and even his biographies. I loved when he wrote about his writer's life - his big desk, his oriental robe and the quotes of wisdom taped to his walls and the sense of peace, joy and relaxation he felt in his writer's studio in Brooklyn, with his feet up on his desk, contemplating life.
So, here I am, with that inspirational image in my head. What shall I do with it? That image is not so different from my life, in it's essence. I don't have big desk to put my feet up on, but I have the sense of joy, peace and relaxation at times when I sit in my big chair and contemplate things. And, I have been writing daily, if not on this blog, then in my computer journal. I've felt like taking things more inwardly and less publicly of late. The thought of blogging has been too formidable to consider. The endless writing in anonymity, it can get a little creepy, going so apparently unnoticed after putting myself out there so completely, or as completely as I do. There's always the possibility for more. But my intent is to be completely open and transparent when I write. I see no reason to hide anything, except for references that no one will know. Considering that, this writing seems pretty tame, I think. There are few juicy details about my life, which seems to make sense - my life goes along pretty much without to many unusual or exciting elements, or at least that's how it seems without considering it too closely, on my part. That's a belief about my life, which has built up over years of seeming smooth runningness. If something did happen to shake things up, it might go unnoticed by me due to my beliefs.
Well, something did happen to me a few weeks back. A guy yelled at me on the street for not reading something that he presented me with after asking me intrusive questions about my ethnicity. He was a stranger, but he was getting pretty personal and something in me didn't want to go along with what he was doing regarding the piece of paper he had put in my hand. This caused a complete turnaround in his friendliness and he became enraged and laid into me with ethnic epithets. At that point, I simply walked away, I was not going to continue to be around that kind of energy. Fortunately, he didn't follow. It did take a bit of work to throw off his negative energy, but soon, I achieved a sense of resolution with him in my mind. I don't see this as a random thing. I view it as something attracted into my life based on the thoughts and feelings I had been holding. That morning I had been writing a fairly charged entry in my journal describing desires I had been choosing not to act on and I also had been in a situation in a class related to my ethnicity that stimulated some strong feelings in me that I believe led up to this. The scene was ripe for someone to come into my life and mirror my conflicts. I realize that I could go into this deeper here, but I want to keep things on an even keel and, at the risk of being tepid, I'll let it go at that.
So, that pretty much sums it up. I choose to keep things on the surface, rather than going deeper, thus my relatively uneventful punctuated by a rare event of strong emotion reflected back to me. I realize that I have not fulfilled my ideals of openness in a way, but, on the other hand I have shown myself in relation to the situation I encountered, while leaving out details of the other's behavior, which I don't want to recreate by writing them here. I'm not really concerned about others' behavior, I just care about who I am and who I am becoming. That keeps things simple and focused the essentials. Others are contrasting fields in relation to which I can experience ultimate reality. Or, rather, the illusions someone created of judgment and hate are the contrasting fields through which I can experience nonjudgment and love.
So, here I am, with that inspirational image in my head. What shall I do with it? That image is not so different from my life, in it's essence. I don't have big desk to put my feet up on, but I have the sense of joy, peace and relaxation at times when I sit in my big chair and contemplate things. And, I have been writing daily, if not on this blog, then in my computer journal. I've felt like taking things more inwardly and less publicly of late. The thought of blogging has been too formidable to consider. The endless writing in anonymity, it can get a little creepy, going so apparently unnoticed after putting myself out there so completely, or as completely as I do. There's always the possibility for more. But my intent is to be completely open and transparent when I write. I see no reason to hide anything, except for references that no one will know. Considering that, this writing seems pretty tame, I think. There are few juicy details about my life, which seems to make sense - my life goes along pretty much without to many unusual or exciting elements, or at least that's how it seems without considering it too closely, on my part. That's a belief about my life, which has built up over years of seeming smooth runningness. If something did happen to shake things up, it might go unnoticed by me due to my beliefs.
Well, something did happen to me a few weeks back. A guy yelled at me on the street for not reading something that he presented me with after asking me intrusive questions about my ethnicity. He was a stranger, but he was getting pretty personal and something in me didn't want to go along with what he was doing regarding the piece of paper he had put in my hand. This caused a complete turnaround in his friendliness and he became enraged and laid into me with ethnic epithets. At that point, I simply walked away, I was not going to continue to be around that kind of energy. Fortunately, he didn't follow. It did take a bit of work to throw off his negative energy, but soon, I achieved a sense of resolution with him in my mind. I don't see this as a random thing. I view it as something attracted into my life based on the thoughts and feelings I had been holding. That morning I had been writing a fairly charged entry in my journal describing desires I had been choosing not to act on and I also had been in a situation in a class related to my ethnicity that stimulated some strong feelings in me that I believe led up to this. The scene was ripe for someone to come into my life and mirror my conflicts. I realize that I could go into this deeper here, but I want to keep things on an even keel and, at the risk of being tepid, I'll let it go at that.
So, that pretty much sums it up. I choose to keep things on the surface, rather than going deeper, thus my relatively uneventful punctuated by a rare event of strong emotion reflected back to me. I realize that I have not fulfilled my ideals of openness in a way, but, on the other hand I have shown myself in relation to the situation I encountered, while leaving out details of the other's behavior, which I don't want to recreate by writing them here. I'm not really concerned about others' behavior, I just care about who I am and who I am becoming. That keeps things simple and focused the essentials. Others are contrasting fields in relation to which I can experience ultimate reality. Or, rather, the illusions someone created of judgment and hate are the contrasting fields through which I can experience nonjudgment and love.
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